Help, they're having a panic attack! What to do, what not to do, and how to be the anchor in the storm
Watching your partner, your child, or your best friend fall apart right next to you is terrifying. That helpless feeling can be paralyzing. But your response matters more than you think.
If someone you love is struggling with panic disorder or panic attacks triggered by obsessive fear of death, you can't be their therapist - but you can be the anchor that pulls them back into reality. Here you'll find practical tips on how to handle a panic attack, and what the difference is between physical panic and a mind spiraling into fear of mortality.
The two types - and how to handle each one
The goal is to reduce physical symptoms and redirect attention. They may believe they're having a heart attack, suffocating, or about to faint - their body is receiving real emergency signals.
What to do: Guide their exhale, bring them back to the present, and redirect their attention to the outside world.
They usually won't let a full panic attack show in front of others, but their body still signals something isn't okay. Your goal: bring them back into the present moment.
Why? Fear of death lives in the future - the present is where safety exists.
Breathing guidance - for physical panic
A panic attack is often maintained by hyperventilation. Don't tell them to "take a deep breath" - guide them to exhale slowly and fully, then inhale, then exhale again with a longer, steadier rhythm.
The grounding technique - 5-4-3-2-1 method
Shift their brain from internal danger signals to the outside world. Tell them clearly to:
Existential panic - what to do and what not to do
Banned phrases - never say these!
No matter the type, delete these from your vocabulary. They only pour fuel on the fire:
How to help between episodes
The hardest task for loved ones is finding the balance between support and unintentionally maintaining the disorder.
If your partner has agoraphobia and you always do everything for them, you help in the short term but reinforce the fear long term. Encourage small attempts - even together with you.
You can listen, but it's not your job to solve their trauma or existential anxiety. That's what professionals are for. They may never open up to you the way they do to a therapist - because shame and relationship fears get in the way.
Living with someone who struggles with panic can be exhausting. You have a right to rest and your own life. If you burn out, you won't be able to help them either.
Helpful resources for loved ones
"A panic attack is like a wave: it rises frighteningly high, but it always - without exception - passes."
As a loved one, you can be the surfboard they hold onto until the water calms down. Patience and understanding are the strongest medicine you can offer. Don't give unsupported advice, and don't take it personally if your suggestions don't land - these situations require serious work.
Read: Panic disorder - symptoms, causes, treatment →
